twenty.

there are a thousand things that a teenage girl thinks about before leaving her teenage years and entering into numerical adulthood. and as my days countdown to fewer and fewer hours, i feel that somehow i am more lost than that average teenage girl.

there are too many things that i hope to achieve in my first year of my third decade. i hope to finally figure out what i am meant to do in this world. where i truly fit in. clearly, i am not the academic i once was in high school, nor do i enjoy pretending to soak up the sociological method of durkheim or the conflict theories of marx. but where do i go from here? this was supposed to be my calling, all i have ever wanted to do. what made me change my mind now, so close to the finish line, the degree? i guess i am no longer happy moving along some predetermined money driven path that society tells me to.

so where do i go to find pleasure in something that i love? i guess the answer is the practical, college. but i can’t seem to shake the idea that this will be another hiccup in my schooling only to lead me back to where i started, still with no passion and no will to learn. after all, the only thing adults ever tell you is to get a degree, not to become a make-up artist.

the only people that push for you to discover who you really are and to seek your true passions in life no matter what the consequences are friends and significant others, both of which i feel are lacking in my life at the moment. the person i confess most of my life dilemmas to, seems to have enough problems and occupies their time with those. who am i to judge though? if i could figure out what i wanted maybe i would have the same sorts of problems to be absorbed in.

so i turn to the periodical love of my life, which who seems to be absent for the first time in my life. i have no temporary infatuation to indulge myself in and distract myself from all these other things. no first love, no genius and no rockstar… although i have dreams of reconnecting with the past i can’t seem to get a grip on how to do that.

so what now? search for a new passion, new people to share that with? new love? it seems like a daunting task considering the lack of support system in place. for now passion will have to be my work and the love in my dreams will have to do. for i can’t seem to take on any of the above tasks, i don’t even know which one i want the most, which is the most important.

some would say it is obvious, my passion. but what’s passion if i don’t have someone to share it with? and truthfully, i don’t think i believe in myself enough to find this passion without that support system, without that love. and to be selfish, i wish those things would just fall into place for me. and i wouldn’t have to be one of those mid-twenty-some-year-olds that sit alone at night reading about the socratic method nor, god forbid, one of those people mid twenties still searching for that special someone (simply because i don’t think i can make it that far).

hopefully my third decade has more answers than the second one did, i don’t think i could take it otherwise.