creative.

today has been a weird day. i picked up the guitar for the first time in months. i am feeling creative. i wrote a song for the first time in at least a year. its too bad i can't feel like this everyday. i hope i am brave enough to continue. lets see if i am gutsy enough to post it. its hard. i am surrounded by so much talent everyday that it makes me nervous to show off any of my own.

winter song.

this is my winter song to you. the storm is coming soon, it rolls in from the sea. my voice; a beacon in the night. my words will be your light, to carry you to me. is love alive? is love... they say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow, or so i have been told. they say we're buried far, just like a distant star i simply cannot hold. this is my winter song. december never felt so wrong, cause you're not where you belong; inside my arms. i still believe in summer days. the seasons always change and life will find a way. i'll be your harvester of light and send it out tonight so we can start again. is love alive?

time alone.

i just need time to leave it all behind.

my head has never hurt this much.

but its nothing compared to my heart.

center.

not even the sunny sky can fill the space you left behind.

and i have been alone for too many nights in a row.

back.

i miss the sound of your voice.

i wish i could tell you i love you.

all i have is this silence.

letter.

dear world,

you are beautiful today and i am truly happy.

love,

s.

broken down.

i really wish you weren't so silent, it's breaking me down.

i can't tell when your lying and i can't tell what's real.

i just really wish you weren't so silent.

i'm the one thats hurting now.

long drives.

hurt. hurt. hurt.

i could write that a thousand times over.

i don't know much.

you mean everything but i don't know much.

but a crutch is a crutch.

if it's holding you from moving on,

i don't know what to do, not anymore.

and you, well you mean everything.

you mean everything to nothing.

17.05.08

my mother always told me,

that love was an easy thing.

i couldn't stand to sleep alone.

but that night was a horror show.

i can't stop thinking.

these thoughts are killing me.

they're going to eat me alive.

a year ago this wasn't me.

but now i can't seem to breathe.

i can't stop thinking.

these thoughts are killing me.

they're going to eat me alive.

and i can't wait to give myself to them.

please don't leave me.

dream.

i was a little girl. alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. i played pretend between the trees and fed my house guests bark and leaves and laughed in my pretty bed of green. i had a dream that i could fly from the highest swing... i had a dream. long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park. i asked god who i'm supposed to be. the stars smiled down at me. god answered in silent reverie. i said a prayer and fell asleep. i had a dream that i could fly from the highest tree... i had a dream. now i'm old and feeling gray. i don't know what's left to say about this life, i'm willing to leave. i lived it full, i lived it well. as many tales i have to tell. i'm ready now, i'm ready now, i'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. i had a dream.

applicant #5481800

today marks my first day of being completely hopeless in the "real world". all around me people are surviving and thriving, while i just hang back and breathe in nostalgia. i can't take the required steps forward and i don't seem to meet any of the expectations. every one seems to be happy and i just can't stop thinking about how easy it used to be, when i was a name and not a number and people saw me for who i really was.

être tranquille.

je sommeil et je rêve d'amour. mais je n'arrive pas a fermer mes yeux. les nuits sont longues mais pas autant que cette route.

direction.

today was a good wake up call, but i can't wait for it to be over. it seems like i can't ever get it right (in more sense then just one). i need a map and i need it fast.

10:32

truth be told i tend to remember the sad moments more than the happy ones.

change.

i've decided to change the direction of the blog. i'll keep writing, it just won't be so poetic. i guess i go through stages of writing and at this point the words aren't coming to me as well. so this blog will look at lot like all the others i regret to say. but i will just keep hoping that the summer sun will bring me some inspiration and i can keep writing these riddles.

nostalgic.

right now, all i feel is the distance between us.

its all i breathe.

bring this feeling back home where it belongs.

i want to breathe true love.

oh.

i just realized i'm not pretentious enough to have a blog.

fuck.

the other side.

i figured myself out a little bit more today.

i decided i am off to adventure alone.

goodbye dependence, here comes freedom.

baby, don't ask.

i don't need that map to bring me back.

her morning elegance.

sun been down for days. a pretty flower in a vase. a slipper by the fireplace. a cello lying in its case. soon she's down the stairs. her morning elegance she wears. the sound of water makes her dream. awoken by a cloud of steam. she pours a daydream in a cup. a spoon of sugar sweetens it up. and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat. and she fights for her life on the train. she looks at the rain as it pours. and she fights for her life as she goes in a store. with a thought she has caught by a thread she pays for the bread. and she goes... nobody knows. sun been down for days. a winter melody she plays. the thunder makes her contemplate. she hears a noise behind the gate. perhaps a letter with a dove. perhaps a stranger she could love.

rain.

spring has sprung and i just keep falling back.

283.

i wish i didn't know what i know now. i always thought that my life would be based around the three words "daddy's little girl". but the truth is now i can't stand the thought of them. i am not denying the love that i have for him. i just can't seem to see past his past, my past, our past. it is just constant disappointments and replacements. whose to know if he is really that proud of me after all? whose to say that he truly cares? i am replacing memories of bike rides and brownies with a hazy memory of substance abuse and lies, lies to me and to everyone else. i don't know what happened and i am not sure that he does either. but when the truth comes out, its more than blood that keeps me tied to him. they should say "like father like daughter" because i am headed right down that slippery slope right after him.

i love your lie.

truthful.

trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, or strength of someone or something; acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation.

this is the one word in the english language that i will never understand.

i know, pathetic.

blow.

so in the end was it worth it? jesus christ. its always the last day of summer and i have been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. well grant you i have had more than my share of poignant moments. life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it. throughout my lifetime, i have left pieces of my heart here and there and now there is almost not enough to stay alive. but i force a smile knowing that my ambition has far exceeded my talent. there are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

spring.

i am not the same girl i was two months ago.

i am hollow.

i am weak.

i am alone.

i begged to be numb, now here i am.

all i can do now is hurt you.