vices.

i smoke. i drink. i binge eat. i starve myself. i skip
class. but most of all, i bandage all of my hurt with meaningless sex.
when really, all i want is the meaning, the feeling.
the wound is almost too big for this quick fix.
and something's gotta give.

crash.

it's the sense of touch. in any real city, you walk, you know? you brush past people, people bump into you. in l.a. nobody touches you. we're always behind this metal and glass. i think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

16+29=45.

i really don't know love at all.

grind.

i decided that to ensure my happiness this year, i am going to go see every band that comes around that i like. music makes me feel so i am extra excited to start this new ritual. it begins tonight with down with webster @ live lounge, then... jay-z is on nov. first. metallica & lamb of god on the third. kanye in january. i'm a happy girl.

where loose ends still have uses.

"come on write me a song. give me something to trust. just promise me you won't let it be just the keys that you touch."

--------------------------------------------

oh no. not again.

big city.

new city. new place. new things.

sorry i haven't really written.

its been crazy.

plus aimable, le pire coeur.

et je t'oublie le sens de votre coeur.

temps passera mais c'est rien sans vous.

i was going to save you.

you lied, you do write poetry, and it's soaked with our past love.

i swear if you weren't so cold, you would be my hell.

parody.

i have taken

the toys

that were in

the toy box

and which

you probably

bought

for the children

forgive me

they were so tempting

so useful

to mute

their laughter.

resolutions.

sometimes i stop to think about why i started. as of today i have spent a year of my life and thousands of dollars obsessing over this, letting it control and occupy my mind. truth be told, i had it in me all along. i didn't need all this time, moreover, i just needed to have some realizations.

today i started a new school year. so i decided to make some well needed resolutions:

1. i will wake up everyday and be positive.

2. i will listen more.

3. i will not be a victim.

4. i will speak french, or risk failing.

5. i will volunteer more.

6. i will do what makes me happy, not what i think makes others happy.

7. i will meet new people.

8. i will write more poetry.

9. i will not be scared of cancer anymore.

10. i will finally, fully and completely appreciate myself (hopefully).

so there it is. now if only i can live by those words.

if i were more than an atheist i would pray.

i wish i was an artist.

or a musician.

i wish that my dancing was more expressive.

or more alive.

i wish i was someone's muse.

or true love.

i wish i had it all figured out.

or at least knew where to start.

i wish i was something more than what i am.

or could at least pretend.

airline ticket.

i'm a lot stronger and i know you are going to test me.

don't worry boy, i've got this under control.

you don't own my heart anymore.

diamond and a tether.

pity, take pity on me. cause i'm not half the man that i should be. always turning to run from the people i should not be afraid of. and darling, you should know that i have fantasies about being alone. it's like love is a lesson that i can't learn. i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn.

i know you can't hold out forever waiting on a diamond and a tether from a boy who won't swim but who will dip his toe in just to keep you here with him. i've got this habit i abhor. when we go out i'm always watching the door cause if there's someone i'm gonna see who could outdo the things you do to me.

and i know you can't hold out forever waiting on a diamond and a tether from a boy who won't fly but who will take the skies if he thinks you are about to say goodbye. pity, take pity on me cause i'm not half the man that i should be. and i don't blame you, you've had enough of all these empty promises and countless bluffs.

cause i know you can't hold out forever waiting on a diamond and a tether from a boy who won't jump when he falls in love. he just stands with his toes on the edge and he waits for it do disappear again.

half-line.

i knew that i'd get like this again. that's why i try to keep at bay, be one-hundred percent when i'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away.

the stickler is you've played not one beat wrong. you never promised me anything, even sat me down, warned me just how they fall and i knew the odds were i'd never win.

yet here i am. it's a half life. with you as my quaterback, a daft life.

my self-worth measured in text back tempo. its been two days and eight minutes too slow. there may as well be other but i still like to pretend that i'm the one you really want to grow old with.

you've got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet. its so much to everyone all the time. will you ever slow down? will i ever come first? the universe contracts decide.

you know you'll never be lonely. you know you'll always be loved. and maybe you'll never need more than that. but for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us? does it ever register on your conscience?

long for the one last showdown, from a box in the crowd, air compressed tight to explode. i'm clenching my ticket to the only way out as you disappear in a puff of smoke.

-------------

i don't think it is possible for her to make bad music.