the neighborhood is bleeding.

i heard the neighborhood was bleeding.

pressed shirts and raincoats for the cause.

five-thousand termination papers.

can you read them, if you're sleeping?

cause formulas are for nothing, if i can barely get to sleep.

well i can be lonely if she's happy, after all.

i heard that i was close to dying.

iv's and dirty drips for the cause.

five thousand termination papers.

can you read them? i can see them.

cause diagnostics are nothing, can you figure out a cure for me

that can finally set me free, after all?

cause pillowcases are something, for when reality gets obscene.

i'm filling feathers around my teeth, after all.

are stars dying for nothing? it isn't fair but its reality.

i need a miracle in my veins, after all.

morning.

"and all the pieces that remain. they build a place for us to stay. they were always meant for you."

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i am so broken.

in progress.

i always wish i could go back to last summer. there was this day, which wasn't even particularly warm, but for some reason i just had to get out. i remember not caring. this was the first day of its kind. i wasn't self conscious or worried, rather i was completely alive. i ran through trees and felt sand in my toes and finally water on my face. it was a rush. the whole time i had someone squeezing my hand and keeping up to me every step. i remember getting lost in the forest and it being dark. i had a towel draped around me and not a care in the world. the most important thing about that day is that it was the first day of its kind... of freedom.

red sea.

so the last four days i have spent drowning in wine bottle after wine bottle. my lips are stained red and i am sure i cut another ten years off my life with the amount i smoked. at least the sun was shining outside because believe me, it was raining inside.

defeat.

i second that last post. i would write it all over again. i just didn't know that twelve hours from when i wrote that i would be so much worse. i no longer wish that i could find happiness. i wish happiness would realize that i am right here. i found my happiness and it needs to realize that i am waiting for it, right where i was before. just waiting. i am happy but he needs to realize he's it.

12:30

i remember being happy. i remember what i was doing and how it made me feel. i just don't know how to get back there...

bffs.

they think they know me. the truth is i'm a good actor.

and i just want to scream at them.

but i will keep my composure.

---------------------------------------

i'm now accepting applications for a new best friend.

busy bee.

my life for the last 72 hours.

sad isn't it?

1895.

"love me always, love me always. you have been the supreme, the perfect love of my life; there can be no other. i decided that it was nobler and more beautiful to stay. we could not have been together. i did not want to be called a coward or a deserter. a false name, a disguise, a hunted life, all that is not for me, to whom you have been revealed on that high hill where beautiful things are transfigured. o sweetest of all boys, most loved of all loves, my soul clings to your soul, my life is your life, and in al the world of pain and pleasure you are my ideal of admiration and joy."

- oscar wilde.

----------------------

the most beautiful love letter written. everyone has a forbidden love.

edit.

never mind. i decided. i don't want to feel. hollow heart it is.

never.

i have never felt so unwanted. i just need someone to scream at me. i need someone to really care. if i don't feel something soon, i am scared i won't ever feel anything, ever again.

nine.

i wake up each morning with a pit in my stomach. and i know it is me dying. i never want to stop dreaming. its there that i feel safe and i feel alive. its there that i breathe familiar air, its there that i breathe you. and every time i open my eyes, i leave that place that i love and i drift further away from the one place that takes me for who i am and who i am going to be. i could care less about these things that keep us connected. love doesn’t exist in telephone wires and airwaves. love exists in my closed eyes, my faint breathing and my wandering mind. love exists in my dreams and a thousand miles couldn’t change that. 

dictionaries.

there are too many words, millions of them. and they paint a picture across this dark grey sky. there are no stars tonight. 

there are too many words, thousands of them. and they all make the same sound. there's glass crunching under my feet.

there are too many words, hundreds of them. and they make hissing noises in the morning. i can’t open my eyes.

there are too many words, three of them. and they take form from your lips, fall out of your mouth. and i ... i fall apart.

rhythm.

everyday i feel like i become less of a dancer, its probably because of the smoking. its too bad really, i dance around in my head more than i do in my ballet shoes. 

every cloud has a silver lining.

i think that i am in love.

Alexander McQueen. Trapeze Dress.

learning.

b: i'm not afraid to feel. its just no one makes me feel like i used to. 

g: thats scary. if you don't feel then you sometimes assume that others don't either and then you hurt them.

b: yeah i know.

g: you need to find someone that will make you feel again, someone that will make you care.

b: if it's any consolation, you make me feel a whole lot more than most people ever come close to.

--------

that girl knows how to save someone. she should teach me a few things. 

pitter patter goes my heart.

i can't help but to spend my time outside in the rain. all i want to do is dance in the mist and breathe in smoke with one breathe and fresh spring air with the next. it is the first glimpse of spring and new beginnings and i can't shake the feeling of a fresh start. 

hello world.

i really don't want to rush this ... i really don't.